‘Feminist sex is all about having the sex you want to be having, rather than the sex you think you should be having. It’s about having sex that’s free of expectations that you might have learned from the porn industry, your parents, sex education at school or just general media […]. It’s about maximizing pleasure for you in your sex life’
Flo Perry, Author of ‘How to Have Feminist Sex
It’s no secret that for thousands of years, the act of sex was centered around dicks.
An overt focus on penetration and ejaculation (assisted by the patriarchy, systemic misogyny, casual sexism etc etc you know the drill) meant that women and sex were two things which, if ever considered in conjunction with one another, were certainly never discussed.
This International Women’s Day, we’re laying out a blueprint for you to fight the system, encouraging you to have the sex you want to be having – and the sex that you deserve.
1 – Prioritize Your Pleasure
No one wants to be a greedy lover – but you shouldn’t be completely selfless either.
In a 2022 US study, whilst 95 percent of men reported almost or always orgasming during sex, only 25 percent of women reported the same. Naturally, having feminist sex means bridging this gap – and the first step to doing so is understanding exactly what you need to cum. Some common reasons for delayed or inhibited ejaculation could include:
- Lack of foreplay
- Performance related anxiety
- Insufficient stimulation
- Self-image issues
- Trauma
To combat these, you might try changing the duration of your session, switching up your environment, or using different toys and/ or fetishes to help you feel as good as possible. But remember – good things take time. Difficulty orgasming is super common, and nothing to be ashamed of – just go at your own pace, and keep reminding yourself that your right to pleasure has no expiry date.
2 – Make Sex Your Safe Space
In both a physical and psychological sense, sex is often when we feel most vulnerable.
Exposing your body and desires to another person involves trusting them to handle both of these with care and respect. Whilst this trust can certainly be gained in casual flings and long term relationships alike, it’s almost impossible unless you practice Rule 1 of the Good Sex Handbook: learning how to communicate.
In a survey done by EdenFantasys, 1 in 4 people reported having a sexual fantasy which they were keeping secret from their partner. This secrecy can often be pinned on feelings of shame and embarrassment, or a struggle with knowing exactly how to talk about the sexually taboo.
To communicate better with your sexual partner, you could try writing your feelings down, dedicating a certain time to discuss your sex life, or using structured resources online, such as ‘Yes/ No/ Maybe’ lists. Whilst communication looks different for everyone, it is key to having safe and fulfilling feminist sex.
3 – Watch Feminist Porn
Historically, porn has had a huge role to play in women being categorized as objects and givers, rather than subjects and receivers, of sexual pleasure.
However, in the last decade or so, the erotic entertainment industry has drastically changed – and in a lot of ways, for the better!
Defining feminist porn is always tricky, but ultimately it centers around equality, inclusivity, consent, safety, and sex-positivity. Whether this is a studio paying fair wages and emphasizing their performers’ opinions, adult films featuring a diverse range of bodies and performers, or audio platforms such as Quinn tailoring their content to please the female gaze, feminist porn is on the rise – and it is hot as hell.
4 – Never Kink-Shame Yourself Or Others
Repeat after me: sex is subjective.
Whilst for one person, good sex might look like gentle missionary after a romantic dinner, for another person, good sex might look like being tied up in a dungeon and spanked by a stranger. And both of these are totally okay!
Whilst stigma surrounding sexual taboos may leave you feeling embarrassed or ashamed of your desires, it’s important to know that you are not alone, with some reports suggesting that 85% of sexually active adults are interested in exploring a kink with their partner.
In order to proactively explore these fantasies in a safe way, you may want to first spend a little time looking into the parts of sex which interest or intrigue you the most. Some ways of doing this may include:
- Thinking about past sexual encounters and figuring out what you enjoyed most about them.
- Researching common kinks and taking some time to consider how you feel about them
- Watching porn or reading erotica and considering which scenes turn you on the most.
It’s 2024: kink-shaming is out, and taking control of your fantasies is absolutely in.
5 – Leave Your Expectations at the Door
It’s natural to approach sex with a bunch of expectations, both about ourselves and our partners.
When it comes to expectations about ourselves, one major worry for many sexually active people relates to expectations about their body image. Psychotherapist Gila Shipiro labels this as sexual self-esteem, “the feelings you have about your body and your confidence level in how you relate intimately to someone else. It’s what you bring of yourself, both emotionally and physically, to sex and relationships — what you do with that and how you share that with someone else. Sexual self-esteem affects every sexual choice you make”.
Healing your sexual self-esteem is far from an overnight process – but you can certainly start today. Try being more mindful in the ways in which you treat your body, whether through verbal affirmations or gentle physical appreciation, and even try to view yourself from your partner’s perspective. Other approaches may include painting your nudes, investing in lingerie, and placing yourself in an erotic or sensual environment when engaging in sex. However, loving your body is ultimately a lifelong process that continues to remain at the center of feminist efforts, and when it comes to the ways in which you can accelerate your healing process, there really is no one-size-fits-all.
Whilst feminist sex is hard to define, in most cases we know it when we feel it, characterised by feelings of safety, pleasure, and agency over the ways in which our bodies are handled.
From Sappho to Simone de Beavoir and beyond, women have collectively worked too hard to simply surrender their sexual pleasure now. So next time you get down and dirty, don’t just cum for yourself – cum for women everywhere.
