It’s fair to say that BDSM and all things kink are rising in popularity or, at least, becoming more visible to the mainstream eye. Books and films – like Fifty Shades of Gray, to name the most popular – might have introduced BDSM to a wider audience. But they haven’t done much to educate the world on what BDSM actually means or how to enjoy it safely.
Unfortunately, there are many misconceptions about BDSM. So, it’s no wonder that you or your partner might have reservations.
The reality is that BDSM can be highly pleasurable to all – even the more vanilla amongst us. If you’re curious about what it involves, don’t worry. We’ll unpack our top tips and tricks and key things to consider before you start exploring. Let’s take a look at how to make BDSM work for you.
What is BDSM?
BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. But what do these terms actually mean? They might sound scary, but they’re simply judgment-free terms that allow you and your partner to discuss boundaries and enjoy power play.
BDSM is much more than just sex. Power dynamics and role play – like dom-sub, pet play, humiliation, and pain play – can spice up your sex life. And remember, you can participate in as much or as little play as you wish. Here are our top tips.
1. Consensual fun
Despite its reputation, BDSM is actually one of the safest ways to have sex. Unlike more vanilla sex, BDSM means discussing boundaries and consent every step of the way.
Trust is particularly important. People often worry conversations about consent can kill the mood. However, it’s vital before you go any further – and can actually be very arousing.
2. Safewords are key
While asking for consent is a must, you might find yourself exploring boundaries in the heat of the moment. Creating safewords is vital, so you know when to stop if things get too intense. Generally, your safeword shouldn’t be something you’d usually hear in conversation. For instance, you might try “avocado” or “cucumber” – something that will take you both out of the situation. Avoid using “no” or “stop,” as this can sometimes be part of the role play.
You could try a traffic light system, using “green”, “amber”, and “red” to check in with your partner to safely explore boundaries.
3. Set your (sex)pectations
Once you’ve discussed consent and chosen a safeword, you need to talk about your expectations. For example, where do you stand on spanking and pain pleasure? Are you comfortable using ropes and restraints? What about bondage gags? Spend some time thinking about what you want to make your roleplay more enjoyable.
You might also establish roles. Who will play the dominant (top) role, and who will be submissive (bottom)? Roles can vary. Some people prefer to stay as a dom or sub, while others like to explore both sides – known as a switch. Femdom, as the name suggests, is when the femme partner takes the dominant role.
Setting expectations is also an exciting opportunity to discuss toys and accessories. If you’re feeling more adventurous and want to heat things up, you might include a paddle, submissive collar, or BDSM rope. There’s nothing like spending some time adding props to your basket together to get you in the mood.
4. A suitable location
Why limit your play to the bedroom? The intrepid might choose the kitchen, a semi-outdoor location like your balcony, or even a BDSM dungeon.
A BDSM dungeon is a space which is designated specifically for play. Choosing somewhere outside the bedroom might set the scene and help you step into your dom or sub role. For starters, check out Blue Dungeon in London or A Leeds Chamber in Yorkshire.
After building your confidence, you might decide to take things to the next level and consider kinky BDSM events. Two popular fetish clubs are Torture Garden and Klub Verboten, which offer events across the globe – and are guaranteed to spice up your play. If you’re hitting your first BDSM club, consider getting a killer kinky outfit to look the part.
5. Aftercare
One of the most important – yet often forgotten – aspects of BDSM is aftercare. Checking in with your partner after a fun-filled session builds trust and can improve your play.
It’s an opportunity to debrief on what you both enjoyed to help you understand your and your partner’s desires.
Play safe
We hope this helps you embark on your BDSM journey… Interested? Take a look at our BDSM starter kits to ease you in gently. Whether you’re a seasoned pro or taking the plunge for the first time, we have a full range of BDSM toys to tickle your fancy.
